i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
