Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
