The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
