Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
