he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
