I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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