nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
