i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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