I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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