see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
