I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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