woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
