you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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