I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
