My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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