Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
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Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
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Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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