everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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