they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
