We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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