I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
