So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
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just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
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I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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