I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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