dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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