He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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