I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
