i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
