but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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