i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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