Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
