the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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