Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
