I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
