The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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