I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
