I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
