I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
