I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
