I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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