I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
