she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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