I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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