Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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