The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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