Did you just see the Batmobile???
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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