So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
