Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
