god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
