I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
