I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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