i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
