Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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