my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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