i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
