It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
