Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
