my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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