I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
